Principles of Marriage

It’s easy for those who, like me, wander the earth preaching to appear so devout, so religious and pious from the pulpit. All it takes is a few right phrases, a few timely genuflections, a few holy quotes… and voila! One can appear ready to float off to heaven.

What’s not so easy, however is to be so holy at home. Time and again I’ve had to tell myself, If I can’t be Christian at the house, particularly with my wife, then all the pious phrases, genuflections, and quotes from the pulpit mean nothing.

The following are a few principles derived from Scripture about being Christian with our spouses - where (unlike the pulpit or any other public forum) it really counts.

1. “In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace” (Eph. 1:7).  One of the most crucial elements in any marriage is forgiveness. You must learn to forgive, especially when your spouse doesn’tdeserve it. Anyone can forgive the deserving; in fact, that’s hardly forgiveness. True forgiveness is forgiving those who don’t warrant it - the way the Lord forgives us through Christ. We must do likewise. Otherwise, our marriage, if it survives (which isn’t likely), will seem like purgatory.
2. The second principle is related to the first. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). You must accept, out of the gate, that you’re married to a sinner – to a being damaged to some degree emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Get used to it. Accept your spouse’s faults. Pray your way through them. You might have to live with those faults, but you don’t have to obsess over them. If you do, they will eat you alive. A holy and perfect God, through Christ, accepts us as we are; you, who are hardly holy and perfect, must do the same with your spouse.
3. “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being found in a fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross” (Phil, 2:4-8). The point is simple: don’t always think of yourself first. Try to put your spouse before yourself, just as Christ put us before Himself. As sinful creatures, whenever a situation arises, our natural instinct is to think: Oh, how will this affect me, me, me, me? It’s as natural as seeking water thirsty. But through the grace of God you can learn to put your spouse and his or her needs before your own; this principle can greatly help any marriage.
4. The last principle is tied to the third: “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15). Just as Christ put Himself in our situation, to best relate to us, we should do the same with our marriage partner. Try to view any given situation or crisis not just from your own perspective but from your spouse’s. See how he or she views the situation, how it has an impact on him or her, and why he or she would feel about it the way he or she does. This principle can go a long way in alleviating tough situations.

Every marriage carries its own set of challenges, and no formula guarantees success. And, of course, I don’t always perfectly apply these concepts in my own marriage (as my wife will readily attest). But by the often painful surrender of self through the vehicle of prayer, I do try. And by the grace of God, I find again and again that they do work.

Anyone can be Christian in public; only a true one can be one at home.