Cancer: My Enemy, My Friend

There are some moments in your life that you never forget, things you know are going to change your life—getting married; the birth of your first child; getting the job of your dreams. I've experienced all of those things and I can't ever forget how I felt at the time. But then there are times when your family and your faith are all you have to lean on.

Loneliness

I am so tired of the loneliness of life. I wonder if anyone else knows what it means to be in such pain. I surround myself with people, only to experience the old cliche of being lonely in the crowd. I try to sleep but my head aches constantly. I know my husband and children are asleep, i can hear the sounds and the rhythm of their breathing. My family doesnt know me. They think they do, but its based on opinions and statements i made a long time ago. My biggest need is to be accepted as i am, for who i am. But i dont even know what am like. I feel like an accumulation of the roles i fill. I wonder if i even have an identity apart from wife, mother, chauffeur, cook. There will also be the constant struggle to face problems, to stand up for my convictions and i am so tired of the agonising loneliness. I am afraid of it. I cant seem to eat or sleep or schedule right  and i can no longer deal with the anxiety of straddling the fence. Non of my former education, prepared me for the amount of solitude that is in life.  No amount of security can eradicate painful experiences. Why was i never taught to learn from loneliness? I only learn to fear it. 

I dont know where you are or what your condition is tonight, but many of you are experiencing a deep loneliness and it burns in the centre of your being. Have you ever been so lonely that you've been sick to your stomach? I've been through that. And I remember just where I was and exactly what corner I was turning, when i feel it most intensely. So why are we here tonight? How can we continue? First of all last night I felt this quite strongly. And I said Lord I dont know what to do with this. I was in the back of a bus late at night. It was dark, most people was sleeping and I had just come back from a long trip to the west coast. And I said, I feel intensely lonely and forsaken. And all of the spectres began to loom and flood in like a great crashing wave. The humilation of a life of failure. The wondering, whether this time, these few days out in california were worth the time involved. All these kinds of things began to flood in. And the tears came. And I said, No. This is not self pity. This is an assessment of the facts. Of course I feel sorrow, I feel remorse, I feel loneliness, but at this point I pray Lord that you will forgive me for indulging in any of this. I cant deny the feelings. But I can chose what I am going to do with the feelings, so I commit them to you. I dont what them to control my behaviour from here on. I feel them intensely, but you felt them too. So will you take them and do with them as you will. And anyone who is involved in them positively and negatively and touch me with your unconditional forgiveness and your love. Well no great floods of happiness came over me but I was reminded of uncondition love. 

Through all, i've learn to trust in Jesus. I've learn to trust in God. 

And through the pain Lord. Sometimes thats the only feeling of credibility we do have The word.  Because sometimes thats all we've got. And Lord we recognise the fact that, we are not ammunied from feeling alone. The fact that the crowds dont cure it, marriage dont cure it, that even being with a special person, dont always take care of it. Your the only one we can trust, totally, to understand this and to help us, through the pain. I commit right now, whoever that person is, who is just dying or in need of love and of someone , of some force beyond himself, unconditional love that will accept them just as we are. You've come to give us that Lord. We reach out to you right now. And I pray that, that person who is through the pain, touching you in faith. That you will reach down and extract them from that vortex of loneliness at its deepest level, which is alienation from you. And then put into our hearts and lives, something that will override and counteract, at least for the time being the lonely moments. 

Thank you for your promise. Amen

From Nightsounds with Bill Pearce Alone in the crowd